How to Debate a Baboon
My advice to VP Harris for Tuesday night
Imagine a Saturday Night Live sketch of a presidential debate: One candidate, who is in a suit, responds to the moderator’s questions with outlines of their policy platforms. The other candidate is a baboon who responds to questions by hurtling its feces at his opponent.
The opponent responds to the literal shit smears with more polished prose.
The moderator’s face shows no surprise, asking reasoned questions back and forth, ensuring the shit thrower has equal time with the policy expert.
At the end, the media evaluates this farce as if it were totally normal. Pundits observe that some of that shit really seemed to stick to the suit of the policy expert— and count it as a debate point for the baboon. Some say the baboon “won” the debate. Because, look at all that shit! She sure looks dirty!
Now, with apologies to baboons and those who love them, this is what I fear might happen at the debate Tuesday.
I wish we could count in the moderator and the media not to normalize the bizarre. And I wish we could count on Harris to know how to do what no other politician has ever done before — put Trump in his place, without Trump dragging them down with him.
“Going high” doesn’t work.
“Going low” doesn’t work either — nobody is as comfortable in the mud as Trump.
I think the best strategy for Harris would be to highlight Trump’s abnormality to the American people without getting personal. Without attacking him directly. But rather, expressing her honest fear that a man with such obvious mental and moral failings should never be allowed near power again.
I think she should address the audience (NOT Trump), with phrases like this:
“Mr. Trump has said so many lies in his response, I can’t correct them all. What I fear for the country is that he simply can’t distinguish his lies from the truth. This cost thousands of American lives when he was President during Covid, and caused a violent insurrection in his effort to halt democracy. Trump lied. People died. Case closed.”
“I disagree with Mr. Trump’s dark assessment that America is *failing*(or whatever T says). Those words should never come out of the mouth of a president. A president should be proud of his-or-her nation, should be proud of what his-or-her — citizens accomplish. I am proud of America, and as your president, I will never lose faith in you, the American people.”
“Mr. Trump has just slandered and attacked me. This is the response of a sad, desperate person who has no facts on his side. The fact is, Mr. Trump has a history of attacking prosecutors, judges, military service member, representatives of his own parties and even our allies with ugly slurs and slanders. That is no way to bring people together, no way to govern a nation, and no way to treat our allies. I would like to call us all to our better nature and rise up against all demeaning, racist, sexist, slurs and name calling.”
That sort of thing is the rhetorical equivalent of saying: “Hey everyone — this shit-flinging baboon is not the person you want to put in charge of the country!”
This is what I would like to hear my future president say at this debate.
Tim Ward is the co-author of The Master Communicator’s Handbook and ProTruth: a Practical Plan for Putting Truth Back into Politics.
